…and throw away the key!…I think
I often have days when I just want to lay down…for awhile. No, not that kind of lay down for a while. I mean just get in bed and stay there. Maybe get up to pee or snack on cold pizza. Since I’m chronically dysthymic, I’ve long since accepted this about myself. What pisses me off now is that I can’t indulge in it.
Before I was married and had a child, I could call in sick, “check-out” from friends or family for a few days and just stay home and veg out. I could just wallow in my 2 days of depression. Ya know, smoke cigs, eat whateva, listen to some really emotion-erupting music… In other words, just do nothing but be sad and alone. I liked that…get it out of my system and move on.
This is me now 
Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE where I am in my life right now. I’m grateful that I live a healthier, more spiritually rewarding existence. But I can’t stay down for too long anymore b/c my 3 year-old won’t hear of it and my husband doesn’t really get it all the way… so I’m stuck. Sometimes I’ll leave work early just so I can schlep around the house, eat and lay down before I pick baby boy up at 6 and hubby comes home at 7. That was helping but now my step-daughter is living with us so she’s home from school at 3:30 and cramps my wallowing style.
So, I’ve taken to fantasizing that one day in the midst of our evening household activities, I’ll just stop talking. I mean, if anyone asks me a question, I’ll look like this. Really. In my fantasy, my husband will get nervous and start to believe that something is really wrong with me. He will finally take me to St. E’s or Bellevue and I can just be there indefinitely. But alas, it’s only a fantasy. I would really miss my baby!
So now, here I am 33 years old. Back in the day, I had to fight for my right to paaarrrrr-tay, then fight for my right to be acknowledged by…everyone (at least I thought), then fight for my right to be…well anyway, you see where I’m going with this (I really want to say I had to fight my daddy, fight my brothers … a la Sophia, but that’s not true:).
Ironically, in order to stay sane and functional at this point in my life, I actually have to fight for the right to be insane when I need to be!
What a beautiful website!
I love your writing style.
Comment by Ms. Tee — September 24, 2005 @ 4:18p
Hi! Just discovered you!
I can totally relate to “fighting for the right”!!
Mommy’s, Wives….we need that sanity break!!!
I am looking forward to reading more!
chelle
Comment by chelle — September 25, 2005 @ 3:01p
i think we all need some insanity in our lives, to get rid of the stress and tension that builds up. moms don’t ever seem to get a break and that sucks.
Comment by littletail — September 26, 2005 @ 6:19p
I have days like that! SEVERAL! Sometimes not getting out of bed is something that I look forward to. Maybe not the actual “getting out of bed”, but more the choice of getting out if I WANT to. I totally feel you on this subject!
Comment by Schatzi — September 28, 2005 @ 10:04p
i know what you mean
by the way you thought me a new word today dysthymic thanks
Comment by jdid — September 30, 2005 @ 2:07p
I’m happy I have those days back…The twins allow me to take a 2 hour siesta every now and then. When little man gets older…you will get a chance to lay out again. I love your stories!
Comment by DJ Diva — October 16, 2005 @ 1:11p