Safa means tranquil, serene, calm…I try

I have no meetings on my schedule for work. This would be the perfect day to get that much needed filing, returning of phone calls, etc done. So…..why did I call in? Was it because my joints and back hurt? Maybe I’m feeling a bit quesy? Could it be that my feet are swollen and I can’t walk?

Uhhh, no. I need to finish washing and folding clothes, prepping my room for painting, and of course I want a nice loooooong nap. I’ve already been to Lowe’s to buy the paint and it’s not even 10:30:) Speaking of, I bought this paint that has a granite finish…I am so looking forward to seeing how this turns out. Remember, my hubby wasn’t as enthused about painting and he wouldn’t have gotten around to it before the baby was born. Sooooo, he can’t complain about the colors or finish I chose:)

An aside…..sometimes I really hate/loathe/detest dislike being a stepmother. Maybe I’ll elaborate at some point in the future. Let’s just say it involves my car, a self-centered, apathetic teenager, overindulgent and/or clueless parents, and an estimate…oh, and restrictions on litigious rights of stepparents:)….Actually, no need to elaborate.

Yesterday I checked my blog and discovered that no posts were there! It appeared to totally wipe out all of my post and comments! I was so frantic…well not frantic but bummed:) As it turns out, I was not the only blogsome blogger to experience this wipe-out. I was so happy to check this morning and find all was as it was and should be:)

OK, why am so I stressed about this baby in my belly???? I wasn’t this anxious with my son. I feel like I’m up against the clock. I am sure a lot of this is due to the fact that we don’t know the sex. When I was expecting my son, I was able to shop early, get most of what I needed and just sit back and relax. Now, I want to paint, redecorate, etc and noone (read husband) is feeling pumped to get stuff done. I am due June 9th but could pop as early as May 31st! I have NOTHING yet, I want to paint my room, the hallway, redo the basement, etc…I know I am nesting but still. Since this baby will share our room for awhile, I want it to be as inviting and comfortable for me as possible (since I’ll be spending more time in there). I am trying to convert the basement to an office/playroom since I need more space for baby in my son’s room. UGGHHHH! This weekend I am planning on buying this stroller. I also want to get a bassinet/play thingie and some blinds.

OK I know I am spazzing out but I asked hubby why he couldn’t be more excited about planning for stuff and he said, “I just want my baby”…uhhhh men!

Following the “memory lane” theme from my last post, I received some disturbingly weird closure to an incident from my youth.

When I was around 6, my mom and I returned home from running some errands. During this time we lived on the 3rd floor of an apartment building in Harlem. I remember I had to go to the bathroom real bad. The door had 2 locks on it. When my mom turned the bottom lock with her key, someone from inside the apartment locked the top lock. When she put the key in the top lock to unlock it, the bottom lock clicked from the inside. My mother assumed it was my dad being funny. This went on for about 4 or 5 rounds. Finally, she turned the key and the door opened.

When we got inside, we could see the window wide open in her bedroom (as the bedroom door was open). She ran to the window and I followed. We saw this man running down the alley with our TV on his shoulder and his female companion running with our other belongings. I guess the lady had to keep us at bay while he struggled down the fire escape with the TV!

As it turned out, the lady was a “friend” of the family and the man her boyfriend. Looking back now, I wonder why my parents just didn’t call the cops. Needless to say, the friendship ended. As I got older, I always saw Cheryl’s kids as they would visit their grandmother in the same neigborhood as my grandma. They always talked about how we grew up together and were like family. I don’t think they knew about what their mom had done some 10 years before.

I went home to New York a few weeks ago. We got on the subject about what happened b/c my sister told us about the death of Cheryl’s son last year. My dad asked if I remembered what happened. Of course I never forgot. I was not prepared for what he told us was the end of this story…

He said a few days later, he and a few of his buddies went looking for the guy. They found out he was at this resturant. They got on the bus (I know, a bunch of ghetto broke vigilantes) to go to this resturant. At a red light, they clearly see him eating through the window of the resturant. They ring the bell on the bus to exit about a half block up from the resturant. They got off the bus and began walking back towards the place. My dad says they walk in the resturant and ole dude is face down in his lunch with a bullet hole to the head. Someone shot him in between the time my dad saw him on the bus, and they walked a half block back to the resturant…all of 7 minutes? My dad said he was eating alone so someone must have walked in, did it, and left.

I never knew that happened. Now I’m not saying it was justice for his breaking into our apartment, but man! My dad was like, yeah we were just gonna eff him up! I don’t know if they ever caught who did it…AND NO, IT WASN’T REALLY MY DAD!

This evening as I was receiving my daily 15 minute shoulder/neck massage (hubby promised to try to do this until the baby is born…in large part due to subject of this post), my mind began to wander and I remembered something from when I was around 8.

We used to go the playground in my housing complex in New York City to play during the summer. Anyone from New York knows the generic make up of these playgrounds. They had monkey bars (usually shaped in an arc), two or three concrete hollow “barrels” or logs that we used to sit in and chill. It’s amazing to remember that we were small enough to fit 4 in at a time. The playground had a few benches and maybe a small basketball court.

Anyway, one summer a white man began coming to the playground to “work-out” on the monkey bars…do flips and stuff. We all thought it was cool and a bit weird for an old (probably in his 30s) white guy to come to a playground in the “projects” to play on monkey bars. When he came, there were usually no more than 5 of us little black and puerto rican girls there.

He wore those now too-short gym shorts (circa 1979-80) that were usually navy blue with white lining around the legs…remember they did an upward dip on the side of your thigh? Anyway, I don’t remember at what point it happened, but he would invite us to stand around (or maybe we stood on our own?) and watch him hang upside down by his legs. We soon noticed that he wore no underwear and his “thing” would hang down out of his shorts. We never said anything and he acted as though he didn’t notice. He never really talked to us and of course no adults ever came to the park with us. He came a few more times (always sans undies) then just stopped.

I wonder what became of him. Did he ever wait until only one girl was left in the park and then molest her? Did he eventually move on to even more sinister acts? I don’t know. However, I know now that it was no accident that he chose a playground populated by black and spanish little girls in the inner-city without supervision to hang upside down on bars with no drawers on!

I received a call today from my midwife at the birth center. She said my glucose test from last week came back high. I need to follow this high-carb diet for 3 days, fast and then take a more comprehensive 3-hour test on Tuesday for gestational diabetes…

I eat healthier now than I did with my preschooler and I was fine. I am hoping and praying that this is a routine test and everything is fine.

I just thought of something. I wonder if the fact that I’ve been drinking G.atorade like it’s going out of style has anything to do with this. I will bring it up when I go on Tuesday.

Both of my younger sisters had children either out of wedlock and/or while very young. My younger sister, who’s now almost 28, had her first child at 19. She hadn’t finished high school (very bright…just stupid), still lived at home, no job. When she told the family, we kind of dissuaded her. We gave her all of the above reasons. At this time I was 24 and not yet Muslim, so I advised her to have an abortion. Although she had an answer for all arguments, I was smart enough to see that sooner or later, she would become a burden on one of us. By this time my mother had been dead for several years and she lived with my grandmother (who reminded her that she wasn’t taking care of any children). My sister explained that she would be getting an apartment with her boyfriend, finishing school and finding a job.

When my nephew was 5 months old, let me backtrack. Before the baby was born she and her boyfriend did move into an apartment in the Bronx. 1-2 months later, she calls me in VA to borrow money to pay her rent. I loan give it to her. When my nephew was 5 months old, my sister calls to tell me she broke up with bf and can she move to VA with me! Of course all of my family tried to talk me out of it. I was the one who went to college and moved away to a successful life…why let her move there and mess you up? Anyway, being the oldest and feeling obligated since my mother died, I let her come. She and the baby move in with me and I become mom to 2. Make a long story short…they stayed for a few years, I half-way take care of him (while in grad school), she hops from job to job etc. After she moves out, she gets preggers again, tells no one until she’s 6 months…this time I am Muslim and am not going for her moving back in with me! Don’t people learn???

Today she is mom to a 7 and 5 year old. I love them dearly, they live 20 minutes away. She finished school several years ago and is a working professional who takes care of her children (and spends quality time with my son). We are close.

My baby sis, just had a baby 3 weeks ago. She’s 26 and still in NYC. She kept her pregancy a secret until 5 or 6 months b/c she knew family would say she wasn’t ready. Although she has a job, she has only been on this job for 9 months (I think the longest she’s really kept a job). She smokes weed, drinks and has a BAAADDDD attitude…probably rooted in her being 9 when my mother died. She has terrible interpersonal skills and a warped sense of reality…textbook personality disorder. She’s a great talker, rationalizer, etc and she can really suck you in but at the same time, will talk about you behind your back, lie and some other stuff.

She is constantly behind in her rent and me or other family/friends come to the rescue. She feels EVERYONE owes her something. Anyway, she has a little girl and we went to see her 2 weeks ago. She’s beautiful and my sister seems to have her act together. Her “boyfriend” is in the picture but I really don’t think by much. She seems to have softened and says she no longer smokes or drinks since the baby but I don’t know…it’ s like a time bomb waiting to explode.

A part of me feels angry that people have children knowing that at some point someone is gonna have to bail them out big time. My baby sister is the type to expect everyone to pay her rent b/c she has a baby and what kind of family would let a baby live in a shelter. I mean, everyone needs help at some point but if you know your situation is jacked, don’t burden other people! I just get angry when you put yourself in a situation and then play on the sympathy of people b/c there’s a child involved…and have an attitude on top of everything. Who knows, baby sis may step up and tcb because of the baby but gosh…if you can’t hold it down by yourself, how will you do it with a baby?

I guess I am just feeling put upon being the oldest and having that guilt of feeling obligated to take care of my sisters. My husband jokes that every time one of them calls, I have to make a run to the bank! Whenever my sis would ask for money, I wanted to say so bad, “this is why we didn’t want you to have kids…” but of course I don’t b/c I love the boys. I just see the cycle repeating with baby sis. She actually will say to my sis (behind my back), “why is she being so stank, she gave me the $300 like it was hurting her…she has a husband”.

My husband has been experiencing some “severe” pain in his arm. I think it’s carpal tunnel. In any event it’s been keeping him up at nights. He complains, he’s been to the doctor, and I think it’s even brought him to tears. I believe it’s some kind of tendon issue from a past surgery. My room smells of all kinds of salves and balms. He’s been prescribed medication. He had to leave work early/call in several times recently b/c he says this shooting pain is paralyzing, burning, and tingly. I hope he feels better but I can’t say I feel his pain. For some reason (and I know the reason), I couldn’t care less. This probably makes me a bad wife…I don’t know. When I come up to bed, I’ll see him sitting up rubbing his hand and arm while moaning. It gets on my nerves. This is all he has talked about for about 2 weeks. He asked me once to massage his hand and I did. Normally I would do it on my own but for some reason (and I know the reason), I not only don’t care, I feel like he needs to shut up and suck it up.

The reason I feel this way is because I’m 6 and a half months pregnant, work fulltime and take care of my almost 4 year-old (who’s high maintenance). Also, I cook practically everyday, and have my two step-girls living here during the week. I am ALWAYS sore, tired, cranky, etc but he never offers to rub my feet or back. He will if I ask him though. When I complain, he doesn’t even acknowledge that I said anything. At this point, I feel like we are in competition to see who’s in more pain.

I think he believes because my job is so flexible (extremely…work from home, go in late, leave early, etc) and I usually catch a quick nap before I pick up son and 11 year old step daughter from daycare/after-care that I have it easy. Maybe I have it easier than he does but so what…

If I really had my way, I wouldn’t be working at all! Aren’t I petty?

I didn’t think so but lately several run-ins with other moms and/or their children have me wondering. Well, let me start off by saying that when I was growing up, we never called adults by their first names. I still believe in this. I cringe everytime I hear a child call an adult by their first name. If you think it’s too formal to say “Miss Shirley” then say “Aunt Shirley”. Also, when we were kids (at least in my family) we weren’t allowed to say “lie“, “he/she lied“, or “you are lying“. We had to say “fibbing” or storytelling. I am following this rule in my house…of course reminding my stepdaughters all of the time. Again, kids were not allowed to be in on “grown folks” business. I get so po’ed at my husband b/c he will let his children sit in the living room while we discuss (or he attempts to discuss) things like taxes, salary, family business, etc. I never knew either of my parent’s salaries growing up! I am using my step-girls as examples b/c they are representations of youth…not bashing:) Anyway, one is 11 and the other 16. Recently their mom had an argument (via voice mail) with my sister in-law and she let the 16 year-old hear the message her aunt left!!!!! It was vulgar. My stepdaughter came over and reported it to me and my husband. Again, grown folks business! The 11 year-old chimes in on our conversations and before my husband can answer, I cut her off and remind her that, this is grown folks business and please excuse yourself”. I think this is one of the reasons that kids are so grown and back-talky nowadays. OK, so now that you see where I’m coming from:

The other day I had the 6year-old daughter of a friend of mine with me. As we were driving, we saw a teenager who was gothed/punked out. She says, “ooh look Safa, he’s wearing lipstick and when me and my mommy saw a boy like that before she said he looked like a faggo.t teehee”. WHAT????? So inappropriate.

My neighbor has a job that requires she use a gun. Her 11 year old daughter was over our house playing with my stepgirl when she knocks on the door. She explains that something happened at work and she was called in - would it be ok if her daughter stayed at our house. Before she leaves, she calls her daughter to the door and asks, “have you seen my pistol?”. WHAT???? Not only grown folks business but dangerous and irresponsible.

My 16 year-old stepdaughter helped her mom’s friend move. She tells me, “her apartment is awful, she must have bad credit”. First of all, none of my business and secondly, you’re 16 and live at home.

I called my girlfriend and her 12 year-old answers the phone (sweet girl btw). I ask if her mom is home. She replies, “yeah, hold up”. WHAT???? What ever happened to deference to adults and knowing your place?

Oh, here’ s what took the cake. Again, my 16 year-old stepdaughter tells me, “you know grandma had an abortion when she was younger”. She says this to me and her dad. My husband is like, “yeah, I think she told me that before (this is his mother mind you)”. I just about fell out!!!!

Keep in mind that I am younger than all of the adults spoken of in the post…except for the mother of the 6 year-old.

Yes, this is an actual question I was asked when I became muslim almost 6 years ago. I was laughing and remembering some of the funny things people said and asked over these years. Funny, because people are really stupid. I understand that people are curious but some things are just idiotic to ask someone.

I was born and raised in Spanish Harlem (New York City). When my best friend and I met on our very first day of college at Syracuse University in August of 1990, she pegged me as a straight-up Harlem B-Girl (big shell earrings and Gucci bag and all). I mention this to illustrate the fact that I wasn’t raised to be what most consider the personality type of a muslim woman…..not Nation of Islam/Farakhan follower but a bona fide traditional Sunni Muslim (like you see “portrayed” on CNN and the like).

When I first converted, I was an elementary school teacher. One year I wasn’t muslim and the next I was. You would think the kids had a hard time adjusting or asked offensive questions…NOT. It was the adults. The guidance counselor asked me (during a staff luncheon) if I wore underwear under my robe (not a robe…called a jilbab and it’s a dress that’s an overgarment you wear over your regular clothes). Someone actually gave her a degree in social work? Geesh.

Another co-worker asked if my husband ever got to “see me”? Again, how on earth would I have a child????…I guess the “glory hole” method Ughhhhh.

Oh. One that cracks me up to this day. One of my then 4th graders overhead me talking about my impending nuptials back in 2000. He asked me, “are you getting married?”. I didn’t want him all in my business so I answered, “no”. He replied, “You ain’t never gonna get married walkin’ around with that thing on your head!” LOL. That was so funny!. There are many more silly questions like that but I don’t see them as offensive or obnoxious. Actually, I guess I need to realize that some people may never get to meet a muslim who actually covers and practices. So they may be geniunely ignorant of certain things. Now, to the offensive ones.

I was chit-chating with a co-worker last year and bragging on my then 2 and a half year-old. I mentioned that he was able to say small phrases in arabic (I was gonna tell her phrases like ‘thank you’, ‘you’re welcome’, etc but didn’t get the chance) and she replied, “Phrases, like what, I’ma blo.w up that building”!!!!! Yes she did. Mind you, she is a middle-aged psychologist. I tore into her and she apologized and said she assumed that I knew she was joking. I reported the incident to my boss and they handled it to their satisfaction. Anyway, today she still feels like we are buddies and will come to my office to chit-chat! People just don’t get it.

Right after 9/11 another co-worker asked me “Yo, what’s up with your boy Osama”….he thought he was being funny. I wasn’t as offended as the earlier incident. I just laughed and asked him when was the last time he thought I traveled overseas!”. The problem is that I’m too “cool”. They get a kick out of this NY accented black chick that seems hip and cool (some designer bags, jewelry, fly shoes, etc) wearing islamic garb.

Anyway, my girlfriend and I were laughing about this and came to the conclusion that for the most part, people are cool once they see you are a regular person and not a mute “stepford” type wife or subjigated oppressed female. Now I do have beliefs that may seem strange or extreme but I went through so many different stages of “discovery” in my life I know when I am “on to something”. I was a Buddist in college (as well as a black-revolutionary) and some more stuff. This makes sense to me. You can ask me anything about Islam if you bring it respectfully. I am not a scholar but I try to answer to the best of my ability.

Oh, I forgot…a female co-worker walked into the bathroom as I removed my hijab (scarf) to tighten my scruncii). She gasped and was like…My God I thought you were bald under there! Your hair is long and pretty! She was ghetto from the start but geesh.

Finally, I do not wear the face veil very often. I don’t wear it to work. Actually I only wear it when I am going to the mosque or other Muslim/Islamic event. See, I don’t need all of those fine muslim men looking in my face:)….non-muslim men rarely give me a second glance (don’t get it twisted though…there are some freaks that find ANYTHING to get excited about on a nearly covered female…like fingers, eye brows, etc). I just like the pic