Safa means tranquil, serene, calm…I try

Both of my younger sisters had children either out of wedlock and/or while very young. My younger sister, who’s now almost 28, had her first child at 19. She hadn’t finished high school (very bright…just stupid), still lived at home, no job. When she told the family, we kind of dissuaded her. We gave her all of the above reasons. At this time I was 24 and not yet Muslim, so I advised her to have an abortion. Although she had an answer for all arguments, I was smart enough to see that sooner or later, she would become a burden on one of us. By this time my mother had been dead for several years and she lived with my grandmother (who reminded her that she wasn’t taking care of any children). My sister explained that she would be getting an apartment with her boyfriend, finishing school and finding a job.

When my nephew was 5 months old, let me backtrack. Before the baby was born she and her boyfriend did move into an apartment in the Bronx. 1-2 months later, she calls me in VA to borrow money to pay her rent. I loan give it to her. When my nephew was 5 months old, my sister calls to tell me she broke up with bf and can she move to VA with me! Of course all of my family tried to talk me out of it. I was the one who went to college and moved away to a successful life…why let her move there and mess you up? Anyway, being the oldest and feeling obligated since my mother died, I let her come. She and the baby move in with me and I become mom to 2. Make a long story short…they stayed for a few years, I half-way take care of him (while in grad school), she hops from job to job etc. After she moves out, she gets preggers again, tells no one until she’s 6 months…this time I am Muslim and am not going for her moving back in with me! Don’t people learn???

Today she is mom to a 7 and 5 year old. I love them dearly, they live 20 minutes away. She finished school several years ago and is a working professional who takes care of her children (and spends quality time with my son). We are close.

My baby sis, just had a baby 3 weeks ago. She’s 26 and still in NYC. She kept her pregancy a secret until 5 or 6 months b/c she knew family would say she wasn’t ready. Although she has a job, she has only been on this job for 9 months (I think the longest she’s really kept a job). She smokes weed, drinks and has a BAAADDDD attitude…probably rooted in her being 9 when my mother died. She has terrible interpersonal skills and a warped sense of reality…textbook personality disorder. She’s a great talker, rationalizer, etc and she can really suck you in but at the same time, will talk about you behind your back, lie and some other stuff.

She is constantly behind in her rent and me or other family/friends come to the rescue. She feels EVERYONE owes her something. Anyway, she has a little girl and we went to see her 2 weeks ago. She’s beautiful and my sister seems to have her act together. Her “boyfriend” is in the picture but I really don’t think by much. She seems to have softened and says she no longer smokes or drinks since the baby but I don’t know…it’ s like a time bomb waiting to explode.

A part of me feels angry that people have children knowing that at some point someone is gonna have to bail them out big time. My baby sister is the type to expect everyone to pay her rent b/c she has a baby and what kind of family would let a baby live in a shelter. I mean, everyone needs help at some point but if you know your situation is jacked, don’t burden other people! I just get angry when you put yourself in a situation and then play on the sympathy of people b/c there’s a child involved…and have an attitude on top of everything. Who knows, baby sis may step up and tcb because of the baby but gosh…if you can’t hold it down by yourself, how will you do it with a baby?

I guess I am just feeling put upon being the oldest and having that guilt of feeling obligated to take care of my sisters. My husband jokes that every time one of them calls, I have to make a run to the bank! Whenever my sis would ask for money, I wanted to say so bad, “this is why we didn’t want you to have kids…” but of course I don’t b/c I love the boys. I just see the cycle repeating with baby sis. She actually will say to my sis (behind my back), “why is she being so stank, she gave me the $300 like it was hurting her…she has a husband”.