To maintain a friendship…or not
I have a friend who got out of a horrible marriage about 7 months ago. She is young (26) and has 4 children ranging in age from 6 years down to 11 months. Her husband was abusive and an all around creep behind closed doors…everyone in the community thought he was great…at first. After a while he came undone even in the community. At first people willingly loaned/gave him money when he had a sob story about needing money to help with rent (was happening every other month). When his bad behaviors came to light, he was cut off.
Anyway, he wound up getting them evicted and she and the four kids moved in with her parents. My friend has been depressed during this time. She married at 19 and although she’s a licensed beautician, hadn’t worked since HS. She home schools and has no money! Having four kids makes it hard for her to just get a room. Plus her kids are LOUD and sometimes unruly (at least 2 of them). Anyway, her husband has started calling and making all of these promises. Y’all know where I’m going with this. Needless to say, she will most likely get back with him. Everyone thinks knows it’s a bad idea and I believe deep down she does to. However, she feels helpless and hopeless and hates being in her parents house.
Of course I am her friend and her decision won’t change that. However, I am not giving her money, etc while she’s married to that guy. There is SO MUCH behind this that I won’t get into but even w/ 4 kids people will be hard pressed to feel sympathetic to her plight this time around…knowing what we know about the situation.
I know she is only going back b/c she feels she has no choice. I feel sick b/c many abused women are scared to leave b/c they don’t know how they’ll make it on their own with the kids. However, how sad it is to finally escape only to face the fact that you really can’t make it alone and go back? How long before the crap starts back up again? Keep in mind, I am not talking about physical abuse alone. Actually that was only a small part of it. There was more mental and verbal abuse and him not taking care of her and the kids, his getting in legal trouble for disgusting things, constantly getting fired from jobs, leaving them for days without food or necessities, etc.
I feel angry that she wasn’t able to get the support she needed. She had some options but felt they weren’t right for her and the kids. So what now? She gets public assistance now and will keep it while back with him????? That just gives him more reason to loaf around. UUGGHHHHH I hate this. I don’t even want to talk to her b/c I don’t want her to feel ashamed or have to explain herself to me…I am just sad:( I know how I am. If, a year from now she starts complaining about the same crap again…I don’t know what I’ll say to her. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
you sound like me. i’m too the point now with my sister being in bad relationship after another thati don’t even try to be nice anymore. i’m just like you’re stupid ans i told you back when you started with him that he was no good…but she thinks thant i’m being negative cause i don’t want her to be happy. it just gets to the point where you say you know what you are a grown woman. and if you can’t get yourself right then i can’t be there for you time and time again. it gets old and i have my own life. sometimes a you as a real friend just needs to be real and let them know. and they can either get mad and not be your friend or suck up and listen and change it. good luck.
Comment by Koolbreeze — April 4, 2006 @ 12:54p
That is a really difficult position to be in. She really needs emotional support right now (even if she makes a bad decision), I agree no financial or that sort of enabling help. The worst thing for an abused woman is to feel alone and isolated!
Comment by chelle — April 4, 2006 @ 4:06p
It’s hard to put yourself in someone elses shoes. I think it seems like it should be such a simple decision for her to leave, but you know when you have FOUR kids with someone, that is complicated, to say the least. does she have family that can take her in? i would guess not, since it looks like she’s going back with him. well, all you can do is be a true friend and support her when and if she needs you.
Comment by Cityslicker mom — April 4, 2006 @ 5:10p
Wow - I have been in this same place. My childrens father was abusive - menatlly, verbally and physically. I stayed for a very long time but many years at the end I only stayed until I knew I could make it on my own. That had to come with time and realizing that even with him - although his help was minimal I was always doing it on my own. He made me stronger and a better mother. I knew that I would never let me or my kids be in a situation like that ever again - and I was right I never have again! I hope she comes out of this stronger and better than ever. I will pray for her.
Comment by rhonda — April 4, 2006 @ 12:01p
It is sad…and often misunderstood as to why a woman would subject herself to a life of torment. We ONLY see the present. But your friend has a backstory, which I’m sure contributes greatly to her willingness to sacrifice the betterment of her and her children’s lives. She sees her present as hopeless adnd her future dismal without the help of this abusive man. There is a reason for that…more than just she has no other choice. If she has not done so, I would recommend counselling for her and her kids…and they don’t have to be a licensed therapist, but maybe a trusted minister or pastor that’ll help her to seek better and choose “living” over “existing.” My heart goes out to her and she will be in my prayers as well. I hope that you remain by her side, b/c I’m sure that she needs all of the help that she can get.
Comment by LB — April 4, 2006 @ 5:53p
Wow, it’s like you were telling my story. I too recently left an abusive relationship (verbal and emotional) and I have 4 small children. Even if he was no good, at least I didn’t have to spend the long nights alone. The times when it was good, it was real good and you keep hoping for those good times to return, but most important, the abuser makes the abused feel as if they can’t get along without them. Self-esteem is below zero, so of course when we leave and things are so hard we begin to think maybe he was right. Tha’s when we weaken and go back. As her friend, the best thing you can do be her rock, even if it’s at 3 in the morning. So often people say they are there for you, but are unavailable. Don’t wait for her to call you, call her, she doesn’t want to feel as if she’s being a burden. If you can babysit, do so. Offer to meet at the park and help her watch the kids. Invite her over for dinner. Push her to seek councilling. Let her gripe “for the hundredth time” about what he did. Let her grieve her loss, even if he’s not worth it. She fell in love with him for a reason, those reason’s don’t just go away. Have faith and she will get through this. And be patient, this is her lesson to learn and it will happen in the right time for her, not anyone else.
Comment by ebony — April 12, 2006 @ 11:37p
If your friend is a Muslim, and I’m guessing she is…
This is a temporary problem, be her support, because you might one day be in her place. May Allah never cause any of us to go through what your friend is going through, and if we are to go through it, may he cause us not to forget that we are far more fortunate than many others.
Take care sis, enjoying your blog.
Your brother,
Abu Miftah
Comment by Abu Miftah — May 8, 2006 @ 4:46p