Safa means tranquil, serene, calm…I try

Parenthood is great but it’s so tiring! Emotionally and physically. The last post I mentioned that my 5 year-old said he would love me even if I hit him. HMMPH….that unconditional declaration is over. Last night he told me he doesn’t love me because I don’t love him. I said of course I love you but that doesn’t mean you can misbehave and be disrespectful towards me. He said it’s because I give him a hard time! Can you believe this? This child is tooooo smart and precocious (if I do say so myself). People love talking to him because he really can hold an intelligent conversation. Because of this, I’ve decided to really check myself to see if I am “getting on his nerves too much”. I know one thing…my parents and elders NEVER would’ve cared if they were bugging me. This modern parenting can really suck! I just turned 35 and KNOW that back in the day if I told my mother she was giving me a hard time, I would have REALLY been given a hard time.

Many of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while know that before I became Muslim I pledged AKA back in college (Spr. 92). Although I haven’t been active for 6-7 years, I am still close to my line sisters and cool with many sorors from my grad chapter. One of my Muslim friends is a soror as well. Since Boule (National Convention) is going to be in DC next year…our 100 year birthday, I am REALLY feeling conflicted. This is such a HUGE thing since we were founded at Howard, in DC. My Muslim sister said she is actually thinking about becoming active again. Not me. However, I can’t say that I won’t slide up in the convention center to see some old head sorors and buy something. If I wasn’t muslim I certainly would have been active. There are things about these organizations that conflict with my religious beliefs (namely that there are a lot of non-islamic rituals and activities). Anyway, it will be interesting since I see sorors daily and they are always so quick to get me “back in the fold”.

We are in the process of changing our health insurance from my company to my husband’s. A few things come to mind: my job’s plan, although good, is EXTREMELY expensive. I just realized that I spend A LOT per month on health insurance. I guess because my company’s relatively small. An extra $546 for me a month…woohoo:) Also, as I’m making these decisions, I think about the uninsured and underinsured in this country. I realize that we are fortunate to have the dilemma of choosing between health plans when some families have no options.

I am feeling depressed. I have been thinking a lot about my mother and other close family members who have passed and I really miss them. There have been so many changes in my life and they are not here to share in them. My children are the #1 change I wish they could share. My mother died when I was 17 so she never saw me graduate high school, college or grad school, get married or have children. My grandmother did live long enough to see me married and pregnant. But I guess as I get older it bothers me a bit. Plus my son asks a lot of questions about my mother. You know, some of it is the fact that my mom died at 37…2 years older than I am now AND my son just told me 2 days ago that he dreamt I had died. As a muslim, I don’t necessarliy believe that my family members are looking down from heaven smiling on me and guiding my life but we do put stock in dreams. I’m just going through a young midlife crisis.

One of my co-workers is constantly getting written up for missing deadlines and other things. He really just takes it in stride. We were talking a few weeks ago and he said he knows he never has his payroll in on time, misses meetings, etc but that he left the “employer/employee” mindset years ago. He is in the process of starting his own vocational program for teens and I saw his business plan…EXCELLENT! They know he’s on his way out so they just kinda let him do his thing. It made me think (again) about going into business for myself. I only wish I could invent something! I feel so uncreative and unbusiness minded. I do have a little side hustle but it hasn’t picked up yet. I really want to work for myself. UUGGHHH. Why couldn’t I have invented the internet like Al G.ore????:)))

One more thing. I am tired of hearing about this Im.us thing. I feel he was foul for saying what he did but he was trying to be funny and it was offensive. However, rappers use terms worse than this to describe us all the time! Is it because he’s white? I guess it is and it goes deeper coming from a white. However, shouldn’t we expect more from “our peoples”? And I never ever go there…but it’s kind of embarassing to have this much hoopla surrounding this when Arrah K.Elly has a song out now where he uses the word AND he’s an alleged child molester. BLACK PEOPLE, what’s up with that? Now, I am not a politically minded person (well not that much) but it really annoys me that we jump on these people for saying racially insensitive and disgusting things but have so many issues within that I think does more harm to Blacks (and woman in particular) on a daily basis that no one ever challenges…at least not as vocally as this issue. I do get the argument of the underlying damage these comments cause in perpetuating…blah blah blah. T.avis Smile.y said it best when he said he has stopped trying to change other folk and focuses on trying to change us.

Finally and most importantly…why was I praying that no one would come into the bathroom while I was in there and see my ashy shins while I used the bathroom???? See, my socks were too short!