Safa means tranquil, serene, calm…I try

I have mentioned before how I can’t read or see news stories involving violence or anything sad involving children. I sometimes think I’m weird because these stories truly stay with me for months and sometimes years. I cry and mourn and get depressed for days. Not only that, I can’t seem to stop visualizing these incidents that are relayed in the media so graphically. It’s really a mess. Well anyway, yesterday as I drove home, I started thinking about my children.

I guessed the reason I get so upset by news stories is that I have children and can’t bare the thought of anything happening to them. HOWEVER, even more distressing than that, is the thought that something will happen to me before they reach the age of maturity…like 40!!

My mother died when I was a few weeks away from turning 17. I feel like the ground work had already been laid for how I was going to live my life. I have memories of our relationship and lessons I learned from her. I feel sorry for my younger sisters. The youngest was 9 when she died and I can truly see how it has affected her life and she’s 26 now. Back to my boys…

They are 5 and 11 months. Most of you know I keep a journal of letters to both of my sons so they can have insight of me the person and me the mom. I was talking to my husband last night about the fact that these children may be the greatest and best accomplishment of my life. The conversation started when he complimented me on always reading bedtime stories and taking such care in my bedtime routine. We discussed the fact that he couldn’t remember ever having a bedtime story read to him or even remembering his mom giving him a bath and lotioning him up. I told him that I do these things because I know that life is fragile and for as long as I can, I want to create memories that my children will have of me…for as long as I’m alive.

My stream of consciousness is so haywire…..I know most parents have these thoughts but I’m 35 and my mother died at 37 so I guess I’m going through an early mid-death life crisis.

Ants. My preschooler proudly announced on Friday that he ate one while at school! I asked him why and he said so he could be called an anteater. He also told me not to worry b/c it didn’t taste like anything because he just swallowed it and didn’t chew it up.

Oh, joy. Just think, I have one more son following in his footsteps:)

This is a cool site I got from tuckergurl! 18 states…I thought I’d visited more in my 35 years. I may have to revise this. Either way, I hope to add another one next month. Oh well just another reason to travel:)

create your own visited states map

Other Peoples’ Baggage. Why do some people push their issues on you? I have a friend (we were close years ago) who it seems for the past 2 years or so will call me out of the blue. I am initially very happy to hear from her until I realize that after all the niceties are exchanged, she delves into this monologue of her dumb man issues and then asks for my advice. I don’t mind helping a friend in need - people sometimes ask for my advice b/c of my psych background. HOWEVER, this woman gets on my nerves. I even told her that at this point in our lives (she’s 37) we really shouldn’t be having drama like we may have back in our 20s. She’s hemming an hawwing about the same guy or it may be a different guy this year…same problem. I don’t have time for it…or really care. I’m muslim so can’t get with or endorse her lifestyle anyway. I try to keep the judgements to a minimum. Aside from my religion, I’m busy! I have whining kids and crying babies in the background, trying to get dinner going, etc and she’s just draining me. Leave me alone. Even if I wasn’t married, I would hope that at this point in my life (if I hadn’t converted to Islam) I would be SOOOOOO over the whole dating/man drama. Life’s short. I guess my REAL issue is the fact that she’ll call every few days until she’s over the latest drama and gotten all I can give her. Then I don’t hear from her for 2-3 months….I now know her pattern. She’s usually “happy” in a relationship during this time.

I started keeping a journal for my boys while I was pregnant with the baby last spring. They each have their own and I will write them 1-2 pages every now and then. Usually, it’s about little cute things they did or said that day, milestones reached, and how much I love them. They are basically love letters. I need some feedback on this: should I also jot down entries on those days when they totally misbehaved and annoyed me? When my 5 year-old was off the chain and I am at my wits end? I am trying to imagine how I would feel if I read a letter from my mom that was more typical of day-to-day life. Should these journals primarily be love notes?

In August I will have been married for seven years God-willing. To say that it’s a job is an understatement. I won’t say I went into it with childhood girlie fantasies, however, I never knew marriage was a breathing, living entity that required constant nourishment, compromise, and strategizing. Most of you regulars know that my husband and I met in June and were married in August of 2000. That right there presents additional challenges. For instance, we were never alone (I had a chaperone of sorts) and he didn’t even see my hair until we were married…this is a whole post in itself. Back to my original post.

A lot of my friends are married and some have been married multiple times. These are muslims and non-muslims alike. The thing I’ve come to realize is that relationship dynamics are all different. There are things I tolerate that some spouses would never…but it’s no big deal. On the other hand, I hear my friends talk about things that I could not IMAGINE tolerating. Here’s an example:

I have one friend who waits to eat dinner everynight until her husband comes home…sometimes until after 10:30pm! That’s crazy to me. I would tell my hubby to stop at Mickey D’s or something. On the other hand, some of my friends think I am crazy for “allowing” my husband to get rid of all the televisions in our home. I know a couple who sleep in separate bedrooms most of the time and are happy. I know another couple where the husband sits up all night if need be to make sure the wife takes a shower before bed. I know another couple where the husband borrows money from his mother in-law. I know a wife who doesn’t know her hubby’s middle name! This is just a small sample. Anyway, we are tasked with customizing our relationships to make them our own. One thing I’ve learned is that every relationship is different and each of us has deal breakers that are different from the next person.

What’s your deal breaker? What compromises were made and illusions shattered (if any) for those couples who have been married for 30+ years?