Grass not always greener…
In August I will have been married for seven years God-willing. To say that it’s a job is an understatement. I won’t say I went into it with childhood girlie fantasies, however, I never knew marriage was a breathing, living entity that required constant nourishment, compromise, and strategizing. Most of you regulars know that my husband and I met in June and were married in August of 2000. That right there presents additional challenges. For instance, we were never alone (I had a chaperone of sorts) and he didn’t even see my hair until we were married…this is a whole post in itself. Back to my original post.
A lot of my friends are married and some have been married multiple times. These are muslims and non-muslims alike. The thing I’ve come to realize is that relationship dynamics are all different. There are things I tolerate that some spouses would never…but it’s no big deal. On the other hand, I hear my friends talk about things that I could not IMAGINE tolerating. Here’s an example:
I have one friend who waits to eat dinner everynight until her husband comes home…sometimes until after 10:30pm! That’s crazy to me. I would tell my hubby to stop at Mickey D’s or something. On the other hand, some of my friends think I am crazy for “allowing” my husband to get rid of all the televisions in our home. I know a couple who sleep in separate bedrooms most of the time and are happy. I know another couple where the husband sits up all night if need be to make sure the wife takes a shower before bed. I know another couple where the husband borrows money from his mother in-law. I know a wife who doesn’t know her hubby’s middle name! This is just a small sample. Anyway, we are tasked with customizing our relationships to make them our own. One thing I’ve learned is that every relationship is different and each of us has deal breakers that are different from the next person.
What’s your deal breaker? What compromises were made and illusions shattered (if any) for those couples who have been married for 30+ years?
Deal Breakers. HAHAHA. I have been married for almost 3 yearts but I was with my husband for 7 years before we got married. For me deal breakers would be if he hit me, put his hands on me in a violent way or if he cheated. Other then that I am in in for the long haul.
What are your deal breakers?
BRANDI, I’M WITH YOU ON THIS ONE. I NOW KNOW IT WON’T ALWAYS BE A BED OF ROSES BUT A LONG TERM COMMITTMENT SO…I’M HERE BARRING ANY OF THE THINGS YOU MENTIONED. OH, MAYBE HE FOR SOME WEIRD REASON HE DECIDES TO BECOME A SCRUB AND NOT WORK AND JUST MOOCH OFF ME…WHICH I CAN’T SEE HAPPENING ANYWAY.
Comment by Brandi — May 1, 2007 @ 3:19p
Never been married. Been engaged once and have been in 2 long term relationships. But, the deal breakers for me would have to be physical and/or verbal abuse. I will not tolerate it. I love myself too much for that. Also no communitcation would be a deal breaker. For example, I had an aunt (R.I.P.) and uncle who really never spoke to one another. When company and or family were in their midst, they’d talk constantly, but as soon as everyone left, they’d go back to not speaking. I can’t have that. We would have to speak about what’s bugging us, what we enjoy, etc. I don’t see our marriage lasting without communication. And finally, lies. What’s the point? Be honest with me and I’ll be honest with you. If you feel you need to lie in order for me to stay around, then don’t even bother coming my way. Lies get you nowhere.
Comment by Nikki — May 2, 2007 @ 5:00p
Such a good question. I’ll be married 8 years in August and I don’t know if I have any concrete deal breakers. Cheating? I know folks who’ve been cheated on and have come through it with a whole lot of prayer and effort. Abuse? I have a friend whose husband hit her and they separated for awhile, went to counseling, and then got back together. She married him when we were 18 so they’ve been married for 16 years now. I suppose for me if pushed, I’d have to say if I just got to the point where I despised my husband. Where every word he spoke in my presence made me cringe, if I started wishing he was dead…I know it sounds extreme, but I believe in trying to make it work.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT ABOUT IT SOME MORE AND HAVE TO ADMIT THAT SOME “UNFORGIVABLE” ACTS CAN BE FORGIVED. LIKE NIKKI SAID, COMMUNICATION (OR LACK THEREOF) WOULD BE A DEAL BREAKER IS AFTER COUNSELING IT DIDN’T IMPROVE. THE HITTING…STILL A DEAL BREAKER. CHEATING…REALISTICALLY…I DON’T KNOW NOW - BUT PROBABLY WOULD BE PRETTY CLOSE TO BEING A DEAL BREAKER.
Comment by Los Angelista — May 2, 2007 @ 7:12p
I’m not married (yet), but I’ve come to realize that besides the obvious dealbreakers of abuse, etc., for me the dealbreaker is lack of respect. If my partner treats me without respect it’s a no-no. I’ve been in too many relationships where I’ve put up with things stemming from no respect to allow myself to be degraded again. It’s a 2-way street, and personally speaking if there’s no respect left in the relationship I’m out like a light.
Comment by Melissa — May 3, 2007 @ 3:19p
for me a deal breaker would be abuse verbal or violent doesn’t matter. treating my other 2 children that aren’t his like crap. i have a real problem with that. cheating. you got one time to do all these and thats it for me. i have a problem with a lack of communication. cause my parents hardly talked (no sex either)and stayed together for almost 30 years then my mother looked all crazy when he was ready to go. i am dealing with this right now and i’m tired of having that “you don’t talk to me” conversation… i’m about fed up. i figure if you’re not talking to me you’re talking to someone and most likely you don’t have any business talking to that person in the first place. i wouldn’t say it was a deal breaker from the get go but it would become one eventually. i can only put up with it for so long. cause then i’m gonna find someone to talk to. and well thats pretty much the end for me.
Comment by Koolbreeze — May 9, 2007 @ 4:20p