Safa means tranquil, serene, calm…I try

from continually running around on this hamster wheel but expecting a different outcome. My son will is 21 months old so I think I should let him off the hook for my excess weight. What’s so frustrating is that I could probably write a book on weight loss! I know basically to eat less and move more. However, I am NOT doing it.

Over the years, I’ve been on Jen.ny Craig, LA Weigh.t Loss, Cur.ves, and most recently We.ight Watchers. I am not into fad dieting as I know they don’t work. I could easily say the probem is that I just like food. However, I know I can still like food and eat the types of food I like without ballooning out of control…but I don’t.

Ugghhh, this is so frustrating. I think I have reverse body dismorphia or something. I’ve been looking in the mirror and seeing a “voluptuous” beauty for the past year. Reality is that I am really overweight and need to “STOP THE INSANITY”….as the ’90s weight loss guru Susan P.owter used to say.

True story: My friend was over my house last year. She and I are the same age almost to the day. My son, then 5, was amazed that we were the same age. Here’s how it went:

Son: Y’all are really both 34?
Me: yes, we will both be 35 next month in February
Son: For real Miss C?
Friend: Yup
Son: OK, but actually my mom is probably older because she’s fat right?

I started crying in my heart. I remember telling my husband while I was pregnant this same child in 2002 that I didn’t want to be the mom at my son’s school that the kids said was fat. Don’t you guys remember “that” mom who came to the class and y’all laughed because Johnny’s mom was a pig? Well, I never wanted to be that mom for my children.

I’m almost to the point where I WILL start ripping out tags in my clothes so hubby won’t see what size I’m in. I always thought that once I out grew a size 12, I would just die!!!! God those were the days.

Why do we have the need to explain the unexplainable? Human beings always must be able to wrap things up so nicely in order for us to feel comfortable. The death of He.ath Led.ger just reminded me of this again. Whenever someone dies and we can’t readily explain it, we take it upon ourselves to develop theories. It really annoys me b/c for real, we don’t know. I feel so bad for families when the media and lay persons start to dissect every part of that individual’s life. These pop psychologists then postulate and throw out opinions to support this or that.

I mean really, I have OFTEN pondered this phenomenon. Man, if the deceased could actually come back to just set the record straight…. If it was a deadly accident caused by medication interactions, what purpose does it serve to talk about his relationships and the fact that he was depressed???

I know I am ranting and most of this is purely rhetorical anyway. It just really bugs me. Even those people who say, “well nothing is substantiated, however, if we look at the interview from 1998 we saw signs…….” UGGGHH it really irks me.

Believe it or not, this is one of the reasons I keep journals to both of my children. I would hate to accidently die by drinking anti-freeze thinking it was Kool-Aide and have people think I “checked out” because…”you know, her mom was such and such” or “you know, she was never the same after her last baby was born”, or “she blogged one time about being depressed”….you get my point.

These are my responses to questions asked by Quel! If you’re reading this, check below to see if you’ve been TAGGED by me!

At what age do you wish to marry?
24…actual date 28

What color do you like most?
Black

Where is the place that you want to go the most?
Mecca

Which part of you do you hate the most?
The neurotic part

When you encounter a sad moment, what do you do?
Cry or sulk

What are you afraid to lose the most?
My children

If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Pay off debt, take family on Hajj, donate to masjid, GO SHOPPING, and IF there’s any left, save

How did you celebrate the New Year?
Didn’t

Til now, what is the moment that you regret the most?
It’s private

Which type of person do you hate the most?
People who hurt/harm children

What is your ambition?
To be my own boss

If you had one wish what would you wish for?
To be a better muslim

Name one of your body parts your hubby or boyfriend tells you he adores:
Personal

What is the best gift you can give someone this year?
Patience, and MANY hugs/kisses to my boys

List two of your Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions.
I didn’t make any

What do you need to do this year in order for you to be happier in life?
Well generally, not just this year, I need take care of me!

What are the Top 2 things that you are most thankful for the year 2007 that made you even more happier for 2008?
Finding a new job and another chance to improve certain things in my life

What was the best lesson you learned in 2007 (be specific)?
Can’t think right off hand

In this very moment, are you doing what you thought you’d be doing at this stage in your life?
Yes, for the most part…although I thought I’d be doing more traveling

If you knew tomorrow was the final day of existence, what would you do today?
Pray, repent, roll around with my sons and make nice with hubby

If you could do over any moment or decision in your life, what would it be?
There are several but I would have gone to a state university instead of Syracuse….my state university friends finished paying off loans right after college and still have great jobs.

I’m supposed to add a question to the list for the people I tag to answer…

What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?

I am tagging NIKKI, SHARON, DIVA, and MELISSA.

Upon reflection, where you may have thought you were being quick and clever, you were really thinking inside a box. Case in point: Once a week I work in a government building. As many of you know living in a city, parking is at a premium. Therefore, when I got to work this morning and found a spot 3-4 spaces from the front door….masha’Allah I just had to thank Allah.

All morning I’m looking out of the window down at my money spot…looking at all of those unfortunates relegated to the netherregions of the parking lot as they faced the cutting wind to walk to the building…..then…lunchtime.

There’s a shopping center right across the street from the building. Well..it’s not a street, more like a mini-highway. You know, 4 lanes running east and west with a median separating. Driving to the shopping center takes 2 minutes. As I watched the clock slowly inch towards 1pm, I was getting hungrier. However, I couldn’t bare to think that as soon as I pulled out, my beautiful space would be taken in seconds (no exaggeration). So what did I decide? Of course I decided to walk.

OK…so I jaywalked so that I could make sure to have a median to step on. The wind was cutting and I felt real foolish. But I made it! There were one or two migrant/day laborers crossing as well. I got my lunch (sesame chicken thank you), and prepared to walk back to work. Now here was the challenge ; I am now walking into the wind with my hijab blowing up in my face, people looking at me from their warm cars with pity and amusement as I waited for the other light to change. Oh, it’s not just a stop/go light. I am fighting the left turn lights, u-turners, etc. UGGHHHH. My nose was running, eyes just tearing, lips all dry, shoes untied, face getting real ashy…However, alhamdulilah (praise God) I made it back to the office in one piece.

I looked out of the window at my car with pride. Then it hit me. I used up 35 minutes of my lunch walking across a highway to avoid loosing a space that if I HAD lost it, I still would not have had to walk as far as I did for my lunch!!!! What a moron I am.

Just a lot going on. Everyone’s ok praise God but I am in a blog-rut. I did start a new job today…I know, on a Friday! Anyway, all went well…we’ll see. It’s a quarter to nine and I think I am going to bed! I am still reading your blogs while I muster up some energy or inspiration.

Oh something funny. I was being introduced to a new co-worker while getting a tour of the staff breakroom/cafeteria area. The person I was meeting was getting some chips from the vending machine. The person walking me around says, “oh, this is “Jane” and as you can see, this is where you can get your junk food…” Jane looked like oh no she didn’t! I guess it didn’t help that Jane appears morbidly obese.

Why does it always seem that I am so tired - to the point of physical illness- the day back to work after a long weekend? This really does not make any sense!

Ramadan is drawing to a close. Insha’Allah (Godwilling) Eid will be either Friday or Saturday. I am planning on going to a party (for muslim women). I am trying to decide how “dressed up” I should be. Eid is a holiday that calls for much merriment and fun. I am excited to be “going out”. Normally we just do a family activity that’s usually more geared for the children. My hubby will have to plan the kid festivities for once:)

Oh…I am too excited. I made Jamaican peas and rice for the masjid this evening for when we break our fast and eat. Families sign up to take turns cooking. I made that, salmon cakes and cabbage w/ smoked turkey. This was my first time with the peas and rice….I’ll let you know how they turned out.

I took the recipe off the internet but when I went to store, there was a West Indian guy in the produce section buying peppers and he overhead me asking my step-daughter about the peas and rice recipe on my cellphone. He told me to forget the recipe and told me the “real” recipe. I’m from Spanish Harlem so I can do spanish beans and rice but…we’ll see.

-We have a DVD player in our vehicle…supposedly for the kids when we road trip. However, during our last weekend excursion, my husband sat in the middle row and basically forced my 5 year-old son and 6 year-old nephew to watch Napoleon Dyna.mite for 4 hours (even though the movie isn’t that long, my hubby has a way of rewinding a scene every 10 minutes to recapture the moment:)Needless to say I had to pull rank on the ride back!

- On same road trip, my sister sits next to me…supposedly to keep me company while I drive. hmph…if you call talking on your cell phone for 3 hours straight, then going to sleep keeping me company. That really peed me off!

- My son asked me a few weeks ago “don’t you want to be dead so you won’t have to take care of no kids”?

-A question…What’s the largest pay cut you’d take in order to do something you really enjoy…or if the job was in your neighborhood…no more interstate commutes. I’m not looking for, “oh, to do something I love, I’d do it for free”! Seriously.

-Gross alert: My hubby teased my son by telling him he had a booger in his eye. My son asked me to look. I look…no booger. He then says, “oh, mommy nevermind, it was cold not a booger cause I tasted it and it don’t taste the same”.

-I need a VACATION…SOLO I am really worn down lately.

-A friend of mine went home to her big sister’s babyshower and to meet her fiance’. After a while she realized that she’d talked to and exchanged photos with the guy on match dot com. He acted like he didn’t notice and she was just flabergasted. I think she was more stunned that he “pretended” not to remember her. I keep trying to remind her that maybe her image isn’t forever etched in the brains of every man she encounters.

Parenthood is great but it’s so tiring! Emotionally and physically. The last post I mentioned that my 5 year-old said he would love me even if I hit him. HMMPH….that unconditional declaration is over. Last night he told me he doesn’t love me because I don’t love him. I said of course I love you but that doesn’t mean you can misbehave and be disrespectful towards me. He said it’s because I give him a hard time! Can you believe this? This child is tooooo smart and precocious (if I do say so myself). People love talking to him because he really can hold an intelligent conversation. Because of this, I’ve decided to really check myself to see if I am “getting on his nerves too much”. I know one thing…my parents and elders NEVER would’ve cared if they were bugging me. This modern parenting can really suck! I just turned 35 and KNOW that back in the day if I told my mother she was giving me a hard time, I would have REALLY been given a hard time.

Many of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while know that before I became Muslim I pledged AKA back in college (Spr. 92). Although I haven’t been active for 6-7 years, I am still close to my line sisters and cool with many sorors from my grad chapter. One of my Muslim friends is a soror as well. Since Boule (National Convention) is going to be in DC next year…our 100 year birthday, I am REALLY feeling conflicted. This is such a HUGE thing since we were founded at Howard, in DC. My Muslim sister said she is actually thinking about becoming active again. Not me. However, I can’t say that I won’t slide up in the convention center to see some old head sorors and buy something. If I wasn’t muslim I certainly would have been active. There are things about these organizations that conflict with my religious beliefs (namely that there are a lot of non-islamic rituals and activities). Anyway, it will be interesting since I see sorors daily and they are always so quick to get me “back in the fold”.

We are in the process of changing our health insurance from my company to my husband’s. A few things come to mind: my job’s plan, although good, is EXTREMELY expensive. I just realized that I spend A LOT per month on health insurance. I guess because my company’s relatively small. An extra $546 for me a month…woohoo:) Also, as I’m making these decisions, I think about the uninsured and underinsured in this country. I realize that we are fortunate to have the dilemma of choosing between health plans when some families have no options.

I am feeling depressed. I have been thinking a lot about my mother and other close family members who have passed and I really miss them. There have been so many changes in my life and they are not here to share in them. My children are the #1 change I wish they could share. My mother died when I was 17 so she never saw me graduate high school, college or grad school, get married or have children. My grandmother did live long enough to see me married and pregnant. But I guess as I get older it bothers me a bit. Plus my son asks a lot of questions about my mother. You know, some of it is the fact that my mom died at 37…2 years older than I am now AND my son just told me 2 days ago that he dreamt I had died. As a muslim, I don’t necessarliy believe that my family members are looking down from heaven smiling on me and guiding my life but we do put stock in dreams. I’m just going through a young midlife crisis.

One of my co-workers is constantly getting written up for missing deadlines and other things. He really just takes it in stride. We were talking a few weeks ago and he said he knows he never has his payroll in on time, misses meetings, etc but that he left the “employer/employee” mindset years ago. He is in the process of starting his own vocational program for teens and I saw his business plan…EXCELLENT! They know he’s on his way out so they just kinda let him do his thing. It made me think (again) about going into business for myself. I only wish I could invent something! I feel so uncreative and unbusiness minded. I do have a little side hustle but it hasn’t picked up yet. I really want to work for myself. UUGGHHH. Why couldn’t I have invented the internet like Al G.ore????:)))

One more thing. I am tired of hearing about this Im.us thing. I feel he was foul for saying what he did but he was trying to be funny and it was offensive. However, rappers use terms worse than this to describe us all the time! Is it because he’s white? I guess it is and it goes deeper coming from a white. However, shouldn’t we expect more from “our peoples”? And I never ever go there…but it’s kind of embarassing to have this much hoopla surrounding this when Arrah K.Elly has a song out now where he uses the word AND he’s an alleged child molester. BLACK PEOPLE, what’s up with that? Now, I am not a politically minded person (well not that much) but it really annoys me that we jump on these people for saying racially insensitive and disgusting things but have so many issues within that I think does more harm to Blacks (and woman in particular) on a daily basis that no one ever challenges…at least not as vocally as this issue. I do get the argument of the underlying damage these comments cause in perpetuating…blah blah blah. T.avis Smile.y said it best when he said he has stopped trying to change other folk and focuses on trying to change us.

Finally and most importantly…why was I praying that no one would come into the bathroom while I was in there and see my ashy shins while I used the bathroom???? See, my socks were too short!

I turned 35 on Friday…how did this happen???? No, it really feels like I was just 24!!! Uggghhh.

I know I’m being melodramatic and 35 is the new 25 but let me do this for about a week and I’ll be fine!

Oh, it’s been a month since I returned to my job after 7.5 months off for the baby…I wanna be home. Actually, I think I’m just ready for a new experience b/c I shouldn’t feel burned-out after such a long time away. Hmmm, and they hired a new team leader while I was gone and she irks me.

Can someone puhleeeze start a support group for those of us addicted to Co.ld Stone Creamer.y????? Monkey Bites is my drug of choice. Help…