Safa means tranquil, serene, calm…I try

If you were presented with the following scenario, what whould you do?:

Your hubsand is looking for a better job. He’s unhappy at his current job and feels he has hit the ceiling. You hear of ajob opportunity that would be perfect for him. The only problem, it’s at the company you currently work for. You guys would not be working together - or even in the same department. However, it is your company and you would see him. There are some advantages of course - like saving on gas by carpooling, an extra $300 to you for referring him to the company, ….well maybe these are the only advantages.

Although this isn’t necessarily my situation, I thought about it when a friend asked my advice. Personally, I love my “me” time. As a mother of 2 young children, the only time I get to myself is in my car driving to and from work. Also, I enjoy sharing my days events with my husband. Plus, I am private and don’t really like merging all parts of my life. This may sound selfish but growing up the oldest of 4 girls, I am UBER senstive about having “my” stuff. When I got married, I had to get over that real fast. Now that I have a husband AND children, I hardly have anything that is really mine. My work and my little side hustle (southern living at home consultant) allow me to have something all my own. Plus, my husband and I would clash in the car b/c we listen to different talk radio programs. I remember reading a post by DJ Diva that she and her husband carpools and they love it. I remember thinking that was so cool but I would get tired of it after a few months.

But, in Islam, you should want for your brother/sister what you want for yourself. So, in that vein, wouldn’t it almost be incumbant upon you to allow your husband to work in a company that would make him happy, give him more money and therefore probably be a benefit in your marriage? I really had to think hard about this question. Honestly, I don’t think I could do it. What about you?

In August I will have been married for seven years God-willing. To say that it’s a job is an understatement. I won’t say I went into it with childhood girlie fantasies, however, I never knew marriage was a breathing, living entity that required constant nourishment, compromise, and strategizing. Most of you regulars know that my husband and I met in June and were married in August of 2000. That right there presents additional challenges. For instance, we were never alone (I had a chaperone of sorts) and he didn’t even see my hair until we were married…this is a whole post in itself. Back to my original post.

A lot of my friends are married and some have been married multiple times. These are muslims and non-muslims alike. The thing I’ve come to realize is that relationship dynamics are all different. There are things I tolerate that some spouses would never…but it’s no big deal. On the other hand, I hear my friends talk about things that I could not IMAGINE tolerating. Here’s an example:

I have one friend who waits to eat dinner everynight until her husband comes home…sometimes until after 10:30pm! That’s crazy to me. I would tell my hubby to stop at Mickey D’s or something. On the other hand, some of my friends think I am crazy for “allowing” my husband to get rid of all the televisions in our home. I know a couple who sleep in separate bedrooms most of the time and are happy. I know another couple where the husband sits up all night if need be to make sure the wife takes a shower before bed. I know another couple where the husband borrows money from his mother in-law. I know a wife who doesn’t know her hubby’s middle name! This is just a small sample. Anyway, we are tasked with customizing our relationships to make them our own. One thing I’ve learned is that every relationship is different and each of us has deal breakers that are different from the next person.

What’s your deal breaker? What compromises were made and illusions shattered (if any) for those couples who have been married for 30+ years?

6 years today and counting!

Not bad for a guy I met in June and married in August huh?

BTW, that’s apple juice:)

Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones or I may be genuinely irking my husband to death but we’ve been having the most serious battles over the dumbest things lately.

Case in point…the bug. A big bug/beetle/waterbug found it’s way into the bathroom of our bedroom. My husband killed it. It’s final resting place being on the floor between the wall and the side of the toilet. When it rains, we notice these bugs a lot in the basement. If I kill it, I’ll dispose of it. So of course I expect the same.

This dude will kill them, and when I (or anyone) walks in the basement’s laundry room, it’s like trying to avoid landmines. I’ll usually get them up. But I have to take a stand! Keep in mind I am TERRIFIED of roaches and other vermin (tramautized as a child…’nother post) but I do what needs to be done. I mean I couldn’t muster up enough courage to put a nice pic on this post of a roach/bug.

So, we had a blow-out arguement b/c no one is picking up this bug. I have trained my eyes away from the area so I don’t see it when I enter the bathroom. His argument is that since I’ve become pregnant, my penchant for housekeeping has gone WAY down and since he has taken up a lot of the slack, the least I could do is sweep the bathroom (read sweep up that roach)!

I’m sorry, it’s been there about 2 weeks and no one has made a move to pick it up. I don’t ask him to pick up after me so why should he go around killing bugs and leaving the carnage for others to get?

Believe me, it may sound funny but last week the argument escalated to us being real nasty and harsh with one another….I was even brought to tears by frustration! What should I do?

My husband has been experiencing some “severe” pain in his arm. I think it’s carpal tunnel. In any event it’s been keeping him up at nights. He complains, he’s been to the doctor, and I think it’s even brought him to tears. I believe it’s some kind of tendon issue from a past surgery. My room smells of all kinds of salves and balms. He’s been prescribed medication. He had to leave work early/call in several times recently b/c he says this shooting pain is paralyzing, burning, and tingly. I hope he feels better but I can’t say I feel his pain. For some reason (and I know the reason), I couldn’t care less. This probably makes me a bad wife…I don’t know. When I come up to bed, I’ll see him sitting up rubbing his hand and arm while moaning. It gets on my nerves. This is all he has talked about for about 2 weeks. He asked me once to massage his hand and I did. Normally I would do it on my own but for some reason (and I know the reason), I not only don’t care, I feel like he needs to shut up and suck it up.

The reason I feel this way is because I’m 6 and a half months pregnant, work fulltime and take care of my almost 4 year-old (who’s high maintenance). Also, I cook practically everyday, and have my two step-girls living here during the week. I am ALWAYS sore, tired, cranky, etc but he never offers to rub my feet or back. He will if I ask him though. When I complain, he doesn’t even acknowledge that I said anything. At this point, I feel like we are in competition to see who’s in more pain.

I think he believes because my job is so flexible (extremely…work from home, go in late, leave early, etc) and I usually catch a quick nap before I pick up son and 11 year old step daughter from daycare/after-care that I have it easy. Maybe I have it easier than he does but so what…

If I really had my way, I wouldn’t be working at all! Aren’t I petty?

Before I get into my TV drama, just some quick updates: Pregnancy is coming along fine. Although I have my ultrasound next week, we are still resolved to not find out the sex of the baby. I haven’t posted in a minute b/c this pregnancy is wearing me OUT. My 1st pregnancy was not this exhausting (but I am almost 4 years older). Also, my computer was infected w/ some funky sp.ywa.re that I need to take care of…so I am not at my home computer. My son went with me to my last birth center visit to hear the “heart-beep” and he was so thrilled. The midwife let him pump the blood pressure pump and he was allowed to hold and turn on the Doppler machine to hear the heart-beat. I definitely need to let you guys know about this birth center experience at a future date. I will tell you that I am NOT looking forward to being released THREE HOURS after the baby comes. We may even opt for a home birth…probably not though. Anyway…

Television. Let me start by saying that I grew up attached to TV. I am soon to be 34 and truly am a child of the late ’70s and early ’80s. Additionally, I am addicted to classic movies, indie films, and EVERYTHING in between. I am still a TV Land fanatic. Over the last year I usually watch HGTV. Anyway, let’s just say that I am a TV-phile.

When my husband and I were expecting our 1st child, we decided that he would be raised differently than we were. He would not be addicted to the idiot box. Also, since we weren’t raised Muslim, the value systems were a lot different…well maybe not the value systems but at least family practices. We were gonna raise a child that couldn’t sing along to every commercial, or quote dialogue from every show (my sister, now 26 could quote the whole movie The Color Purple when she was 6…still holds the record too). Plus, we agreed that there wasn’t really anything worthwhile or of benefit on TV that we couldn’t give our beloved with love, attention, books, and exposure to natural entertainment….plan didn’t go quite as expected.

We never watched a lot of TV. My son did become “addicted” to Nog.gin…which he was only allowed to watch on weekends. I only watched TV after son and hubby was asleep and hubby only watched when I wasn’t home. It was like a dirty little secret. We all knew that we watched but never together (sometimes we did though). Anyway, one day my husband called my son to recite some Quran…at 3 he knows several chapters in arabic…and his recitation is so cute! Anyway, my husband wanted some religious study time with the boy. Unfortunately, he was watching Maisy. Apparently my husband stood next to my son for 3 minutes calling him and (as hubby says), baby boy appeared to by hypnotized by the boob-tube. That was the last straw. My husband was like, “I am not raising some kid that get’s this transfixed on some dumb tv show…..”. I don’t disagree but I do feel that not all tv is bad. I guess the problem is that there is so much out there that is bad that it outweighs the good. Being muslim, we are a little more restricted in what we should/shouldn’t lay our eyes on. Men and women should lower our gaze infront of naked or scantily clad people, we should protect our ears from filthy speech, etc….this is difficult to do for the commercials - let alone the actual shows. So, he unplugged the TV (only one and in the basement) and put it under the stairs. I was relieved b/c at first he was gonna put it out back in the shed. Of course I was disturbed b/c I needed to watch my classic TV at night and everything else I watch while channel surfing. But we got used to it. This was 2 months ago. My son was happy to be able to get No.ggin on the computer and I started to read more…

My husband went on Hajj last month (he’s due to return this weekend God-willing). Y’all, he left on December 25th. By this time the TV has been unplugged for about a month (cable still on though). On the 26th I start itching…literally. I can just watch Boston Public or CNN….isn’t there a Twilight Zone marathon or something on? I put my son to sleep and the step-girls were in bed (they still get to watch tv on weekends at their mom’s house). I ease down to the basement and lugged that 27″ tv across the room to the entertainment center. Keep in mind that I’m pregnant so this is a little risky. It took ten minutes of me hoisting, anchoring, etc. I finally, get it connected and was so happy at the thought of watching a show after almost a month. I notice that the cable box is slipping off of the tv so I decide to pull the cord a little to give it some leeway. I pull the cord out of the TV. I suck my teeth and get on my knees in order to screw the cord back into the cable thingy on the television. After several minutes of no sucess, I turn the set around to try looking instead of just feeling my way around. I was mortified to see that I had actually severed the whole cable piece from out of TV set. You know, the thing that comes connected to the TV? I yanked it OUT of the TV.!!!!!!! So, the TV is broken. I had to lug the TV back under the stairs (took 20 minutes this time in between the tears). I haven’t told my husband yet but he’ll figure it out soon enough. That’s what my butt gets for trying to be slick…God told me!

I still miss TV though. I went to the bank this morning and the teller had to call me twice before I “heard” him and turned away from Headl.ine News. My son is ok, he gets to go online and play his games. I just wait until we visit family in order to get my fix. I guess my husband and I are just trying to be responsible parents…y’all know we luh the kids:)

I was so impressed when I came home this evening to find that my husband took the initiative to bathe our kitten. He looked so fluffy and smelled so fresh and so clean/clean.

Now, I know we didn’t buy any pet shampoo. We’ve only had the kitten about 6 weeks. So I asked my step-daughter what her dad used to bathe the cat. Hmmm, he didn’t use the Herbal Essence Shampoo (which hubby uses as a body wash), nor the Green Tea/Cucumber Dove Bar, he didn’t even use our son’s Johnson’s Baby Shampoo. What did he use?

Ajax Orange Antibacterial Dish Washing Liquid!!!!! WHY?????

My first visual image was that the kitten was laid back in the tub like Diahann Carroll was in the movie Claudine with her bottle of Joy Dishwashing Liquid sitting on the edge of the tub! This was her date’s idea of a soothing bubble bath.

I guess he’ll be ok. He doesn’t look any worse for wear. But, I still have to ask …WHY?????

This is what my husband says everytime I tell him I want to purchase something for the house. He is a fake minimalist who thinks we accumulate too much “stuff”. OK, I can get with that. I mean, really, I understand that we “can’t take it with us”. Also we should view our time here as though we are strangers. HOWEVER, what annoys me to no end is that he will refuse to contribute to whatever I want and I’ll go ahead and get it with my money - that’s cool. BUT, once we have the item in the house he enjoys it!!

Example; I wanted to pay someone to custom paint my son’s room. dh was like, “why can’t we paint ourselves?”…he continued, “I am not paying someone to paint my son’s room when I can buy the paint and do it myself”. I was like, “ok, don’t worry about it, I’ll pay for it since it’s only $120″. “I wanted a specific design. Soooo, I paid the guy and as he was painting my DH comes home from work.

Do you know that he spent the majority of the evening critiquing the guy’s work!! I mean he did a great job but dh was just there asking a million and one questions. This was about 3 months ago. My dh sometimes stands there and marvels at how good my son’s room look. I get p-oed b/c he enjoys it and sees the beauty in it but didn’t contribute to it.

Why do men do this? More specifically, my husband? Ugghhh. I mean, if I say I want to buy new blinds, he will say, “what’s wrong with our old blinds?” He knows that once I think something needs changing (b/c I watch too much HGTV), I will get it no matter what. I know that if it were up to him, we would only have the basics. He counts on me to decorate and think of the little things. That’s fine but at least he can acknowledge that this enhances his life too. Instead he just sees it as frivolity and not important to spend money on.